Month: March 2015

I’ve been having intense Dyl feelings as of lately, and especially now – loneliness, resentment, hating everyone & myself, feeling misunderstood, fearful, etc. Agghhh What should I do? I’m so sorry to bother you like this! I’m just so miserable, in a Dylan kind of way.

I’m very sorry to hear you’re struggling so, and I understand exactly where you’re coming from too. I really do, no joke. Many, many of us do around these Knockturn Alley parts of Tumblr. So, know that you’re not alone. 😊 For some of us there is that gravitational pull towards Dylan – just as for some of us , it’s undeniably for Eric. The alignment is a recognition of sorts of parts you supress with yourself and don’t give clear voice to. You feel intensely close to Dyl at this point in your life because you mirror his pain and suffering: his bottled up rageful frustration, his sadness so profoundly. In focusing on him, it awakens more of the deep sadness within you. It’s ok to become aware of all these feelings within yourself and to feel and express all of it. The lesson from Dylan is to not deny your emotions and voice as he did. See him as a voice for your own pain as you represent and give voice to his own. Realize that you can survive this trying time of your life. For this too shall pass. There’s others here that stand beside you, that will support you, as they feel exactly as you do in their connection to Dylan. In walking beside him, let his loss be your strength. 💖

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your blog! I love how you can share stuff about Dylan in a non-offensive manner so this unforgiving world can learn about him but most of all take away lessons from it. I know I did, so thank you :)

Aww, my goodness…thank you ever so kindly for taking the time to express such thoughtful words of appreciation for E-C. 😊 Dyl’s presence is very much infused within the virtual pages of this blog. If people end up ‘here’ either bringing preconceived judgment or not knowing one iota about Dylan, it’s my hope they’ll at least come away with something they didn’t quite know about before. The ‘lessons’ are all here, in subtle repetition within the multitude of posts..but can only be gleaned by those who are ready to take their societal blinders off and get the message of tragedy about this lost boy. 💖

FUCKIN DUMASS SHITHEAD
I HATE SHIT motherfuckin
goddam piece of death
thought and nothin
       FUCK
FUCK
                   FUCK!

Dylan Klebold (via vodkasbike)

Dyl, you had no idea just how fundamentally relatable your jumbled word-vomit rant about your shitty day would become to so many of us…

It’s time for another episode of.. The (lost) Basement Tapes moments.. ;)

VoDkA and REB explain over and over why they want to kill as many people as they can. Kids taunted them in elementary school, in middle school, in high school. Adults wouldn’t let them strike back, to fight their tormentors, the way such disputes once were settled in schoolyards. So they gritted their teeth. And their rage grew…

“It’s humanity,”Klebold says,

flipping an obscene gesture toward the camera.

“Look at what you made..”

                                        he tells the world.

“You’re fucking shit, you humans, and you deserve to die.”

… They speak at length about all the people who wronged them. 

“You’ve given us shit for years..” Klebold says,

“You’re fucking going to pay for all the shit.
We don’t give a shit because we’re going to die doing it.”

 “Talking to Dylan was like talking to a very intellectual person. He wasn’t a stupid kid. He’s not a thug kid that’s getting suspended. He’s a smart, intelligent kid. I just remember the conversation being at a level; that would you know, you’d sit there and you’d think, ‘Wow, this is a pretty high level conversation for a kid like this.’ You could just tell his feelings around, I’m going to use the politics again but again, he was too intelligent sometimes I felt for his age. You know, he knew too much about certain things and he spoke too eloquently about knowing the law and why he was being suspended and knowing, just you know, speaking about how society is this way towards people.”  

-Peter Horvath, Dean, Columbine HS

“How he knew the law” – Diversion Program, yes/yes? 😉

Do you have the PDF for Day of Reckoning: Columbine and the Search for America’s Soul by Wendy Murray Zoba?

burnandraveatcloseofday:

I looked up and down for one, but alas, no, I could only find it on paper (it’s another one of those books that can be picked up for $0.01 used on Amazon).

I typed out the book’s interview with Devon Adams here.  Which I might as well cut and paste, again…

This is from Day of Reckoning: Columbine and the Search for America’s Soul by Wendy Murray Zoba, p. 183.

When, during her junior year, Rachel had performed a pantomime called “Who Nailed Him There?” about the man who put the nails in Jesus’ hands and feet to secure him to the cross, the background music cut out midway through her performance.  She continued without the music.  When the music finally came back on, it picked up where she was in the routine.  Dylan Klebold was the sound technician that day and some have speculated that he might have purposefully sabotaged her performance.  But Devon Adams, who was a friend of Rachel and Dylan, was in the sound booth with him when it happened.  She said Dylan rescued Rachel’s performance.  ”He was freakin’ out,” she said.  ”He’s going, ‘Stupid tape!’  Rachel kept going, and he tried his best to get it back up.  It was just a bad tape.  He got it to work better than it had been.  He adjusted the levels a little bit and it came out okay.”  Devon said Rachel was “a wreck” after that performance but that she thanked Dylan for fixing the tape.  ”That was the only time I ever saw her cry,” she said.

A bit more about Devon Adams, from p. 196-198:

The fifteen/thirteen debate came up again when I met with seventeen-year-old Devon Adams, who was completing her junior year at Columbine.  She had been a good friend of Dylan Klebold and was part of a small circle of CHS students who had met regularly since May 1999 to work through the tragedy by writing poetry.  Because of her friendship with Klebold, it had been difficult for her to express her grief through the standard avenues, such as school assemblies or memorial tiles.

Devon wrote a poem called “A Blessing” in which she struggled to reconcile two Dylans.  There was the kind and playful Dylan she remembered, who used to bounce balls off her head in the swimming pool and who wore a goofy Hawaiian shirt to her “murder mystery” sixteenth birthday party, playing Les Baggs the Tourist.  Then there was the other Dylan—the one who hid semiautomatic weapons under his trench coat and laughed after calling Isaiah Shoels a racial epithet.

As part of her grieving process, Devon planted a tree and wrote about it in the poem excerpted here:

May this living memory

Grow as tall as you

And taller

To heaven, to the angels, to God herself

May the roots grow to Hell

And bridge the gap

Bring together love and hate

Create absolute understanding.

Her longing for absolute understanding was a prayer everyone in the community seemed to utter at some point, but it was a longing that for many remained unmet.  Devon’s frustration was real: In all of the community-sponsored healing events, two names never came up.  To most people, there was only that one Dylan, the evil one.  ”There are people who won’t accept that he was a friend to people, that he was nice, smart, gentle.  Some won’t hear about it,” she said.

Still, Devon did not cling to sentimental remembrances of her lost friend, as if to absolve him of his crimes.  She was in math class when the shooting started and escaped quickly without encountering the killers.  She reached safety and was listening to news reports that included descriptions of the killers, but no names.  ”I knew immediately that it was Eric, and when I heard the description of the other boy, I knew it had to be Dylan,” she said.  Devon returned to the school and went to police to identify her friend as one of the killers.

“I have never tried to defend Dylan, ever.  There’s nothing to defend.  What he did was wrong and I can never make excuses or defend that,” she said.  "The boys had to be punished.  They did something terribly wrong and they hurt so many people,“ she said.  But Devon felt frustrated that the people of one church condemned Eric and Dylan to hell but "were never willing to talk about it.”  That is, she felt that church—and others—seemed unwilling to talk about the other Dylan and Eric, the human beings.  She said, “I felt sorry for any kid who knew them in that church.  It was harsh.”

This was when she brought up the cross controversy.  ”Those [two] crosses were in no way there to glorify them.  They were there as a memorial for their friends.  They were our friends, and we’re allowed to mourn too.  By ripping down those crosses, people were saying that we weren’t allowed to mourn.  According to the Bible, Christ died on the cross for all sins,” said Devon.  She felt that destroying the two crosses implied that Christ died for all sins—except Eric’s and Dylan’s.

Devon’s words ring clear and true. I wonder if she still feels the same today..

Devon’s frustration was real: In all of the community-sponsored healing events, two names never came up. To most people, there was only that one Dylan, the evil one. ”There are people who won’t accept that he was a friend to people, that he was nice, smart, gentle. Some won’t hear about it,” she said.

”I have never tried to defend Dylan, ever.  There’s nothing to defend.  What he did was wrong and I can never make excuses or defend that,” she said.  ”The boys had to be punished.  They did something terribly wrong and they hurt so many people,”  said.  But Devon felt frustrated that the people of one church condemned Eric and Dylan to hell but “were never willing to talk about it.” That is, she felt that church—and others—seemed unwilling to talk about the other Dylan and Eric, the human beings.  She said,
 “I felt sorry for any kid who knew them in that church.  It was harsh.”

This was when she brought up the cross controversy. ”Those [two] crosses were in no way there to glorify them.  They were there as a memorial for their friends.  They were our friends, and we’re allowed to mourn too.  By ripping down those crosses, people were saying that we weren’t allowed to mourn.  According to the Bible, Christ died on the cross for all sins,” said Devon.  She felt that destroying the two crosses implied that Christ died for all sins—except Eric’s and Dylan’s.

my apologies because this isn’t exactly a Dylan question, or not even really a question – but rather a musing… but I guess I don’t get how the bulk of the Columbiners on tumblr go on to reference Brooks so much when 1) his view(s) are incredibly slanted, and neither he or nor his folks have really learned anything new in fifteen years, and 2) his perception of ‘Columbiners’ is of course negative. Overall, it seems that Brooks is more gossipy than helpful, imo.

You’re preaching to the choir here?  Also, I’ve observed Brooks over time and have come to the conclusion that he’s very much an attention seeking whore and uses Columbine when it suits him to garner attention. Then when he has the focus on himself, he turns around and mocks and snarks in annoyance at people for being so one-track on such a ‘sad’ subject.  It’s one thing to feel personal pain about it but if you truly no longer want to talk about your sore, unresolved past (that you’re still running from..) then don’t start a Tumblr blog where, HELLO, Columbiners will flock to you with questions about, DUH, your ex best buds, Eric and Dylan, and not really want to ask you about your obscure penchants like snobby coffee tastes or your arrogantly self perceived successful video game career that the majority of people know little about,  unless you’re in gaming circles and the like. Brooks wrote “No Easy Answers” in the early 2000 when it seemed that he was genuinely interested in helping troubled youth, those potential future ‘Eric and Dylan’s’ out there and now his attitude is snide and full of disdain. Hey, we all have flaws but Brooks is an adult that long forgot the youth supporting, inspirational message he initially set forth to convey with his book.  This is why I say he ought to quit reengaging and teasing the public in social media. If you want to break from your past then stop advertising your Columbine book on your professional business  website and cut your ties clean. Don’t toss struggling kids a bone and then cruelly yank it away if you prefer not to speak on That-Tragedy-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named.  My annoyance with Brooks sometimes has me sympathizing with *gasps* Eric Harris. 😉

Hello! I noticed that the Klebolds sold their house a while ago, where did they move to? (Not looking for a specific address). I also remember reading that they refused to be run out of town and leave all of their friends behind, so I’m assuming that they moved to a different home in the same area? And if so, why did they move?

The Klebold’s do a Quitclaim deed transaction annually. They regularly sell their house to Tom’s company: Cougar Resources LLC. Last time they sold it to his company for $575,000. They still live there at the same house to this day in Littleton, Colorado.

How sad is that they won. He died. Thats what people dont see. When we talk about Dylan its with pain and love in our hearts, we would give everything to go back and save him, to love him, to tell him, we know exactly how it feels, and that he is ok the way he is. Yet, even with his wrath, they won. He died. (last part)

The way I see it, the whole new conversation about columbine and columbiners is about what we see as a good tragedy and a bad tragedy. Columbine didn’t went as planned. The society around them bullied, mocked and insulted the boys to get them to hate themselves, the teachers closed their eyes. It was planned for the weird kids to silently remove themselves, to kill themselves in a humble way, so the society would be relieved of their presence and could have their good little tragedy
(part1)
The teachers would have informed the classes, all would have acted sad, like common decency forces them to. Oh this is so tragic they were such sweet bright young boys, they should have told someone, so sad nobody new, nobody could have ever seen that coming. A perfect little tragedy that would be forgotten in 4 months. It was nobodys fault and we all are so sad, but it didnt went like planned. They punished everyone, and it was everybodys fault, it was the jocks fault,
(part2)
It was their parents fault, the teachers fault, the psychiatrists fault, and nobody wanted to take the blame. DIDNT YOU SEE HOW WEIRD THEY DRESSED THEY LISTENED TO TAHT WEIRD MUSIC THIS IS WHAT TURNED THEM MAD yes lets stigmatise goth kids even more, You all are to blame and you saw it, What an ugly tragedy. People went as far as to only blame the boys, how could they fail to understand that when you do not see any value in your own life it gets harder to see the value in anything,
(part 3)
like the value in the lives of their classmates, if your own life doenst matter to you, how can you expect them to care about others. As a bullying victim I can relate alot to what happened there, I often dreamed about killing myself, but I didnt want to be their perfect little tragedy. Columbine and relating to Dylan gave me some peace. I dont want to be him. I want to forget the pain, be bigger than this. How sad was it, how sad taht he never lived long enough to see the new gen games,
(part4)

Very well put and I can fully appreciate on an emotional level where you’re coming from. 🙂 You see the real tragedy as the futility of Dylan action and death as overshadowed by ‘they’, the Society’ that seemingly won by rewriting the history into a ‘tragedy’ of their own making. Both boys had no voice before 4/20 and they had seemingly no voice afterward – well, other than the acquired notorious label ‘monster’ on a People magazine “tragedy”. Personally, I believe in the grand scheme of things that Dylan and Eric were not meant to live long, full lives. These two were bullied, ostracized but certainly not to the extreme extent that many kids endure in schools across the country and yet the boys gravitational pull towards grand scale destruction ending in their own suicide seemed to be an irretrievable outcome. It’s possible too, that Dylan would’ve made it through HS into college and still may have been struggling with depression and a whole new set of life challenges, including failed love relationships, and he then might’ve come to the conclusion that his life was still not worth living. We just don’t know that ‘Timeline B’ for certain. Many red flags occurred before 4/20: the cops failed to do their due dliigence investigating Eric’s threats, the diversion program failed the two in effectively helping them and even gave them early release, teachers didn’t see enough of a problem to take serious enough action, their parents minimized it as a shrug of “kids today” and even their own friends who saw the boy’s bomb making exploits failed to see or connect the dots. Columbine happened because at that point in our history, it could happen, it was ripe to happen, it was meant to happen. Strange as it may sound, Dylan and Eric were just as much sacrificial victims as the thirteen people they sacrificed. They were willing sacrifices to a silent, repudiating undercurrent cause of the teenage underdog, the bullied nobodies of the world. Dylan and Eric chose death, they consciously decided to make a point out of their silent pain by scorching a mark on societal consciousness before opting out. It was a dispicable wake-up call to society and it immediately called attention to a previously unseen ‘problem’ in the most painful manner to american suburbia and by extension the world. It was a brutal, violent message and the two boys delivered it with homespun ingenuity in exchange for their lives and others. The two made massive shock waves with their horrible, reprehensible yet unforgettable actions. As with “Remember the Alamo!” you could certainly say “Remember Columbine”.

After 4/20, the seeds of awareness just started to begin to take root in the global consciousness.
That began with all fifteen crosses on rebel hill and the simultaneous bickering and healing that went on there in the midst of the killer’s crosses equally represented with the victims. Though less than perfect, there is definitely more awareness in schools and programs implemented in regards to bullying and treating others respectfully especially those viewed as ‘different’ from the rest. It’s not perfect and the problem is not solved by a long shot but the mindfulness is evident. Dylan’s mother has tried to rectify her son’s tragey by getting involved in suicide awareness prevention. If for nothing else, Dylan, and Eric, succeeded in that they made a very sharp point in calling attention to the bullied, suffering anger, depresssed outcasts.

“We’re going to kick-start a revolution,” Harris says—a revolution of the dispossessed.”

As long as society fails to acknowledge the problem and address that there is still much work to be done and that many kids are still suffering greatly and go on unheard, the arrow will continue to point back to the past, at Columbine. As long as society continues to look the other way, we will continue to see school shooters, many of which echo in Eric and Dylan’s footsteps because of what they have managed to signify to frustrated, disinfranchised youth sixteen years on. As long as society brushes yet another nameless/faceless shooter “psycho monster” under the carpet and do not attempt to look at the heart of the matter, we will continue to see the same echo that Dylan and Eric set forth. Dylan, and Eric have become Society’s future accountability should ‘They’ continue on in lapsed, righteous judgment and denial. The boys represent all those who are feeling lost that so desperately need to be heard yet are falling through the cracks. The Society may have won on the short term with Dylan’s tragedy but on the long term, Dylan’s tragedy has managed to succeed as a reminder to society: he represents and embodies all the depressed, lonely, isolated, talented kids out there who struggle daily, just like him, and might too, be potential lives lost, if society continues to look the other way in the face of future tragedy. Dylan died and was lost to something greater than himself and so in my personal opinon, he did not die in vain.

Hello, I absolutely love your blog :) I saw you comment about wanting to know the source on a post related to Dylan, unfortunately I do not know, I saved them a while ago but the source never saved nor did the website. I will try find them and if I do, I’ll let you know :)

That’d be great – if and when you find the source. That’s pretty important stuff you’re quoting, you know? Another link to Dyl. Thanks. I’m enjoying your blog as well. ☺️

let me start off by saying that you should really consider Writing a book! the way you express your thoughts and Visuals is mind blowing :) I read your answer about what the boys might of said or done when they returned to ther library minutes before their death and I read it over & over I pictured everything & couldn’t help but feel a lump in my throat. I wish Eric & dylan we’re around :( ugh.. you’re brilliant ! Thank you

Aww, thank you very much. 😊 I’m usually pretty frustrated with my writing so that means a lot to hear. 💗 Nice that you appreciated the visuals and could plunge into that moment described ..though not a very pleasant moment to be a bystandered within, huh? 😞

basement tapes: the dress

Eric: YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!
Dylan: oh god
Eric: *seething with anger*
Dylan: please dont
Eric: THE DRESS! IF I THINK ITS BLACK AND BLUE, ITS BLACK AND BLUE AND IF ANYONE THINKS OTHERWISE I WILL BLOW THEIR DAMN HEAD OFF!
Dylan:
Eric:
Dylan: its white and gold…
Eric: WHAT THE FUCK
Eric: FIRST YOURE FUCKING JEWISH AND NOW THIS?!