https://everlasting-contrast.tumblr.com/post/167019674990/audio_player_iframe/everlasting-contrast/tumblr_oyqmo5nkcR1w4dmjs?audio_file=http%3A%2F%2Fpodcasts.nytimes.com%2Fpodcasts%2F2016%2F02%2F26%2Fbooks%2Freview%2F28books_pod%2F26bookreview.mp3

acinnamon-girl:

Two weeks after Sue Klebold’s book was published, she was interviewed for the Inside the New York Times Book Review podcast by Pamela Paul, the Times’ book review editor.

I found this an interesting interview because it focuses – unsurprisingly for a book review podcast – more heavily on Sue’s writing process. The questions asked are different to those we’ve heard a thousand times before, and subsequently so are her answers.

Of particular interest to me was her genuine surprise at the question ‘did you think about what Dylan would think if he read the book?’

Sue’s answer: I haven’t consciously thought that, um, because I was sort of carrying
Dylan with me all the way through it. I’ve never really thought about what
would Dylan think of this book. To me, he’s been a partner in this book all the
way along.

It’s comforting to think Sue was perhaps channelling an essence of her son in doing this difficult work, and perhaps that’s why she never needed to wonder what he’d make of it.

Sue also discusses how speaking with Andrew Solomon helped her weigh up publishing her own book, how she’s had to come to terms with her many conflicting emotions, of the many, many journals she’s filled in the years since Columbine, and the process of finding a professional writer to collaborate with on the book.

Audio embedded above, and full transcript below.

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Pamela Paul: What made you decide to write this book?

Sue Klebold: There was really no decision to write the book.
I am someone who likes to write, I’ve been a journalist since I’ve been a
child, so writing was something I was doing from the moment this happened. The decision to publish the book was the tough one. I had
thought for years that I might publish, but I was so fearful of doing so
because I didn’t want to be exposed to the public. There was certainly a lot of
hatred and blame regarding what my son did, so it just took a lot of years for
me to feel ready to do it. And one of the things that really made it seem like the
right thing to do was the way people would tell me that knowing my story made
them parent differently, and people would report to me that they were
interacting with their children differently and digging for answers, and in
some cases uncovering things about their children that they didn’t know, so
that they could get them help. 

PP: For a long time you didn’t talk to reporters,
journalists either, and then you spoke with Andrew Solomon – that was a kind of
process before you agreed to speak with him – for his book, Far From The Tree.
How much did that play a role in then bringing you to writing your own book?

SK: Speaking with Andrew did play a role, because I felt
somewhat like a prairie dog sticking my head up to see what would happen if I
did make any kind of public statements or allow myself to be quoted. And I
observed how his book was received and I thought he had written beautifully, as
always. I felt that I survived that to the extent that I might try something
else, so yes, those were a process of kind of desensitizing myself and readying
myself to be able to do a book.

PP: I would think that, you know, you said seeing how that
book was received played a role, because that book was so much about giving
voice to things that, family issues that people are often very uncomfortable
talking about and it was so embraced among all the various communities that he
wrote about, whether it was, you know, children born of rape or deaf children
from hearing parents. They were all, you know, so many different groups. Was
that again part of that, just sort of seeing the help that it seemed to offer
readers?

SK: Yes, there is something very cathartic and comforting
and healing about being able to talk about things that you didn’t feel able to
talk about. And I felt that all the way along in the decision to write this
book, part of it was my own need to tell a story, like The Rime of the Ancient
Mariner where you have to tell the story to process it, but there was another
part of me that I felt that this story would be useful to other people, for
anyone who chose to read it and learn about what I went through. It might be
helpful to others as well. And those two things sustained me through all the
times when I felt that I was afraid. I tried to focus on, you know, what the
benefits would be.

PP: You mentioned that you kept journals since the Columbine
killings. Did you then go back to those journals and sort of use those as raw
material to write the book, did you start writing sort of fresh from the
beginning? Or was it reworking that material?

SK: It was a little of both. I had two or three starts in
writing this book. Writing the book was something that occurred over many
years. And of course I did have a writer help me pull these things together. I
had, just in little paper books, journals, I had over three dozen journals
filled, and then when I sort of switched I started putting things onto the
computer. So I literally had hundreds of pages of writing, and in all that
writing over all those years, my voice changed and my perspective changed. In
the beginning I was writing from the voice of a victim who felt that something
had happened to me and that I was crushed under it and I felt helpless. And as
the years went by and I began getting active with suicide prevention and some
of the volunteer work, my voice changed, it got a little stronger, I began to
feel like I was going to survive this and I was going to try to help other
people survive this. And as more years went by I became more of an advocate and
more outspoken, more willing to take risks. So in my journals and in all of my
writings there was a different human being that was evolving all the way along.
And it took the skill of a professional writer to be able to help me put that
into a book, to show my own personal progression.

PP: When you think about the story of this book and that
progression, there’s sort of three natural parts. There’s the, Dylan’s
childhood, you know, your own story as a mother raising him, there’s of course
the day of the killings, and then there’s the aftermath. Was there a part that
was the most difficult for you to write?

SK: I don’t think there was a part that was most difficult.
Any time I write about Dylan and write about losing him, even now when I talk
about it 17 years later, I still cry, I still weep. But I don’t avoid weeping,
it’s not something that I avoid because it makes me feel sad. It’s something
that I embrace, I embrace the opportunity to feel that grief, because it helps
me keep Dylan alive in my heart.

PP: Did you find it hard to explain the complexity of
emotions that you feel as a mother, someone who loves your son, at the same time
that you have the feelings that one would about what he did on that day, your
feelings toward the victims? Was sort of explaining that difficult or did that
come easily?

SK: It came somewhat easily after I understood what those
feelings really were. In the beginning, after the tragedy, I was so confused
and bewildered and feeling so many feelings at the same time, because you do
feel humiliation and you feel shame and you feel sorrow and you feel fear. The
real work came with identifying those feelings so that I could write about them
and explain them.

PP: Did you find yourself in writing them that you were
anticipating, you know, what readers would think, what critics would say? Like,
well if I write that people are just going to say this, or if I say something
this way people are going to blame me for X, or did you sort of try to get
those voices out of your head while you were writing?

SK: I did not get those voices out of my head. I was very
conscious of those voices at all times because this is such a delicate topic.
So many people were touched by this tragedy, people died, people lost their
children and their friends and their siblings. Teachers were traumatized. I was
very conscious of all of the audiences that I could envision at all times. That
was something that was just part of the writing process that made it a little
more challenging.

PP: You mentioned that you had a writer that you were
working with. What was the process like finding the right person to take this
on?

SK: Well, before I found Laura Tucker, my writer, I had
actually worked with a couple of different writers over the years, and we’d
had, I guess I would just call them false starts. We would get started and then
for whatever reason it didn’t work, we didn’t feel that we were getting where
we needed to be, and so that took quite a few years until I actually did
eventually find the agent that I eventually ended up working with, and then she
introduced me to the writer.

PP: And what was it about working with Laura that made that
one click?

SK: That’s a great question, I never thought about that. She
was a very experienced writer, and I had, I think, a challenging task, to try
to pull all of this information, a very long span of time, information that I
would learn something in a moment and then two years later realise that what I
learned was not what I thought it was. So I really think I just needed somebody
with a very high level of expertise. She had that, and also she was incredibly
sensitive and caring, a wonderful craftsperson and we just worked well
together, it was a real partnership all the way through.

PP: You mentioned how you had, you know, these voices, the
voices of readers in your head, and I imagine among them were the family
members of the victims. Did you also think, you know, what would Dylan have
thought reading this book?

SK: I haven’t consciously thought that, um, because I was
sort of carrying Dylan with me all the way through it. I’ve never really
thought about what would Dylan think of this book. To me, he’s been a partner
in this book all the way along.

PP: The book’s now been out for two weeks, and I’m assuming
that you’re getting a lot of feedback from readers, whether direct or indirect,
and has anything surprised you in terms of people’s reactions?

SK: I’m a bit surprised by the receptiveness of people. I
was fearful, I didn’t know what would happen, and I am a little surprised and
certainly pleased that the book is being received well, that people are reading
it, and I also want to mention again that this book is something that I am
donating all of my share of the proceeds to mental health and suicide
prevention organizations. So the fact that it is selling well pleases me very
much because this is money that I can pass along to organizations that are
going to do the kind of work that needs to be done.

“To me, he’s been a partner in this book all the way along.”  ❤️