Tag: Vodka

h4le-bopp:

Dylan the Replicant.

Five days before he would die, Dylan Klebold wrote the second last entry of his diary.  I think it might be one of the most moving and beautiful of his entries. Gone is all his concern about the petty things of human life, gone is all his hesitation about going through with the plan. The entry is about humanity, about fulfilling and overcoming humanity, about what god is, what humans are (and what they are not) and about how Dylan is looking forward to death as fulfillment of his existence.

Two lines of this entry are apparently inspired by the death monologue of the Replicant Roy towards the end of the movie “Blade Runner”:
“These moments will be lost in the depressions & caverns of the human books forever, like, tears, in, rain, but the thoughts will be eternal.(…) Time to die, time to be free, time to love. “
In the movie, the monologue is this:
“I have seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die…”

In the movie, Roy is a Replicant- an artificial human-looking android made out of biogenic material. For me it seems interesting, that Dylan- who often wrote about himself as being non-human- included a modified version of this line to comment his upcoming death. I think that Dylan did identify with Roy and the Replicants in general, because many of the traits, characteristics and problems that the Replicants are facing in the movie were similar to his own. For Dylan, the androids were like mirrors with whom he related to within the reality of his own mind’s perception, where as, for the Replicants, being artificial was their actual physical reality. Dylan felt as being not fully human, though most people saw him as one. The Replicants however are not human.

Although Replicants are not human, they are almost indistinguishable from real humans, if they don’t undergo careful psychological tests. As a police officer explains it to the protagonist at the beginning of the movie, they even develop human-like emotions over time. These emotions, however, can be dangerous. None of the people in the movie ever exactly points out what exactly makes their emotions dangerous, but I came to the following conclusion: 1. the Replicants are machines and thus they are thought to be useful for humans. Just as it would not be useful for you, if your Toaster develops emotions and disrupts his task of toasting things, it is not useful for the humans in Blade Runner when Replicants develop emotions and become disruptive.
2. In one scene of the movie, a scientist explains that the Replicant’s emotions are quite less irregular, if they are given artificial memories from the past. Thus it seems, like it is not only the fact that Replicants develop emotions by itself that makes it problematic for humans, but the quality of these emotions. And if we combine this with the fact, that many of the Replicants who appear in the movie are quite violent, it seems that the procedure of developing emotions is quite distressing for Replicants and therefore they tend to act out. For this reason they are subjected to two measures- either artificial childhood memories or a life expectancy of about four years (since they don’t develop emotions until after a few years of existence).

What does this have to do with Dylan? Well, Dylan struggled with his emotions a lot. They were quite distressful for him and appearing from his writings it does not seem as if he ever fully came in touch with a lot of his feelings, except when he eased himself with the foresight of his death or raved about being in love with girls he probably barely knew.

It also seems that his emotions sometimes could appear dangerous to people around him. Although most people remembered him as shy and nice, there also were some who experienced him as bad-tempered, aggressive and occasionally violent. Not to forget that in the very end, his emotions took him so far as planning and committing mass murder.

Like the Replicants, Dylan had troubled emotions or even trouble with processing emotions. Like the Replicants, these emotional problems sometimes took him to violent acts. And like with the Replicants, society saw much danger in this. Like humans can not tolerate a machine being a disruption, a school can not tolerate a student who initiates trouble. And just as Dylan was angry about being punished by a system he did not recognize as being just and right, the Replicant Roy is angry and panicking as he realizes his short life expectancy, which is- like the punishment for Dylan- meant to minimize the harm to society that is coming from his emotions.

Roy fears death, Dylan was looking forward death. However, as death appears, they both come to a state of bliss, acceptance and reflection.
Roy seems to say: no matter how much beauty and experience takes place in life, it is only there for you to experience it. Nothing of it will last and our small petty lives will disappear into nothing (or into the everything? Since when a wave dies, it does not disappear but just falls back into the everything of the ocean), just like a tear in rain.

Dylan, however says: “These moments will be lost in the depressions & caverns of the human books forever, but the thoughts will be eternal”.  This is a difficult thing to interpret, I will try nevertheless. “The depressions & caverns of the human books”. I guess the “human books” might be meant as the state of humanity itself which is associated with depression and symbolized with a cavern (as opposing the highness of the halcyon-thoughts). The memories of human life will disappear, since humanity is a state of depression. The thoughts however, as being the key to Halcyon and god, will stay forever, even in death.

Instead of the Tears in Rain monologue, I will end this piece with a quote from a conversation between Roy and the man who invented him, since I feel the things said might be also able to be said about Dylan:

Tyrell: The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and you have burned so very very brightly, Roy. Look at you. You’re the prodigal son. You’re quite a prize!

Roy: I’ve done questionable things.

Tyrell: Also extraordinary things. Revel in your time!

Credit goes to everlasting-contrast for some grammar assistance. 

I really love your parallel of Dylan to that of an artificial human facsimile. This is fantastic food for thought! 🙂 According to his journal, Dylan seemed to feel essentially cursed that he was ‘made human without the ability to be (as) a human’.

A combination of giftedness and hindering shyness is doubly isolating. Dylan seemed to acutely sense that he was always on the outside looking in, feeling distinctly different and therefore, separate from others, and unable to join in and fully enjoy and embrace being a part of the human race. It’s as though he wanted to have been born simple and unencumbered enough in thought and mind so that he could be acceptable – achieving in the same ordinary, human customary ‘successes’ and essential human happiness that he witnessed his conventional peers effortlessly partaking in. It seemed simple enough for everyone else, for the ‘common people’, for the jocks, so why couldn’t he have it too? Why did he have to appear human, a façade of one in the flesh, yet not be convincing enough to be social included?

There was that continual over-thinking, over-analyzing everything and like a machine, the thoughts could never be shut off. Everything in school was all too easy. He felt unchallenged and disengaged, plodding along to the point that he didn’t care to apply himself. He could read a book faster than classmates, or take several AP classes and he kept up fairly well in all his disinterest, but ultimately, that was not the sort of ‘success’ he craved, the success of being happy and a part of the world he was born into. He didn’t wish to be different and intellecturally superior as the qualities of an ‘android’, he longed to be socially accepted, good at sports and happily in love with a girlfriend at his side. The simple things in life seemingly were not meant for him. He was the self-described ‘Einstein stuck in an ant’s body.’ Underneath the detached intellectualizing, there was a subterranean layer of jealousy, resentment and angry self-loathing that was bottled up. He felt sadness and pain yet didn’t know why as the emotions were disconnected, unrecognized or self-labeled, so therefore, unexpressed. It was a cocktail of dark, compartmentalized emotions which morphed into an arrogant superiority complex as a way to cope with his resentment in his difference from others and eventually, he externalized the self-hate back on to ‘the society’.

Those ‘humans’ became symbols, constant reminders of what he could never be, a permanent failing, he could never achieve. As a coping mechanism, Dylan took it a step further in his journal, dubbing himself the the superior ‘god’ and the humans, ‘zombies’ beneath him. And sometimes, in his loneliness and inability to connecting, he called himself the God of Sadness. There are even points in his journals where he catches himself falling back on old habits and reflects ‘that was a human thing to do’ as if he disdainfully considers it a weakness to practice being something he has since decidedly rebuked since clearly he was never meant to be a ‘human’ in the first place. As you say, he was, in a way like the androids: extremely intelligent, acutely self-aware, but coupled with those latent raw emotions – jealousy, rage, anger, self-hate, pride and arrogance – all slowly beginning to awaken, to bubble up and emerge to the surface in a manner that caused him to self-destructive upon the world. I also like how Roy mentions ‘quite an experience to live in fear, that’s what it is to be a slave’ because we know Dylan referenced the NIN song “”Happiness in Slavery”.

”nothing worth remembering, I remember. – Dylan Klebold”

“These moments will be lost in the depressions & caverns of the human books forever, like, tears, in, rain, but the thoughts will be eternal.(…) Time to die, time to be free, time to love.”

Depressions = a sunken place or part, an area lower than the surrounding surface.

Cavern = a cave or subterranean area

These (his) experiences in ‘the moments’ as recorded in the deep recesses of the human books (his journals, and by extension, the recordings about him within humanities history books) will be lost, forever, like an individual, single tear drop falling and instantaneously merging back into the whole collective consciousness of the rain, – yet, it’s his thoughts, not the moments (he) experienced, which will remain preserved , eternal and forever.

We don’t remember Dylan’s experiential moments in his human lifetime but his thoughts have managed to live on eternally, well, haven’t they, at least thus far? 🙂

on the behalf of those of us who don’t quite believe in reincarnation, we should just stick to the facts and focus on dylan’s writings & quirks & mannerisms & big chin, etc. don’t get me wrong, i LOVE all of your responses, but i just think this anon/these anons are recycling the same question at this point.

I love the fact that Dylan’s big chin, and his quirks and mannerisms are also considered factoids.  Yasss, indeed.  Glad you like all of the responses, even though reincarnation is not your thing  – so, opinion noted and also your tolerance appreciated. 🙂   And yes, I can see how some of the spiritual / reincarnation asks seem a bit of a spin on the same sort of question.  I’ll try to be balancing out all the asks so it’s not just those sorts of questions.  I just like to pick and choose what seems interesting to me in whatever presence of mind I’m in at the time.  😉   

I am interested in Dylan Klebold’s life. There is a gravitation pull towards knowing him. Almost a feeling and one cannot stop a feeling. Do you think Dylan regrets what he did looking at the world now? Or do you think he’s here reincarnated?

I understand that pull and the depth of feeling. 🙂  There’s reasons for this as he reflects back at yourself. Pay attention to why he moves you in relation to yourself and how you can learn from him.   I would say as an old soul, Dylan understood and assumed the responsibility of regret fairly quickly. His actions were derived from a desperate sense of blotting out his personal pain, and he included the world in on that pain.  I’d say spirit Dylan knew it was his part to play this important but heavy role, to make these drastic, devastating choices, because he was meant to demand attention in the world at the end of the 20th century and the dawn of the Millennium. The end was the beginning of the end of the old and beginning the new. He was one of the first heavy stones smacking the otherwise calm water of the big pond of consciousness, causing ripples of a wakeup call to the world. Fifteen years is not much after wanting so badly to leave here – so, it would be too early for him to reincarnate.  To be honest, I get the sense that he doesn’t really want to be back here in a human body operating on a slower, plodding vibration level –  at least, not yet, anyway. 

I really appreciate your blog. I feel like when I talk about Dylan or Columbine others think I’m going to go out and shoot people, but really I just want to remember Dylan as an individual, because I feel like a part of him was worth saving. Thanks!

Thanks for expressing your appreciation. 🙂  The intent of this blog is to look past the fact that Dylan killed in the very last 40 minutes of his life.  Most people get stuck on the “he killed” part but the rest of us here have moved past the surface stuff into understanding the bigger picture.  This blog is dedicated to examining Dylan as a person, an individual, and trying to understand his struggles, the positives and the negatives, and making some sense of it.  He is worth remembering because he was essentially a good and decent person that lost his way. Dylan could be anyone, he represents anyone. His tragedy is that he was worth saving and he could’ve been saved but instead ended up a loss of great potential. If he hadn’t gotten lost then the victims would never have been lost.  It’s important to examine how he might have gotten lost.  The shooting doesn’t have to remain a senseless act of violence if you have the courage to look beyond the surface to see Dylan, the Columbine shooter, as an individual who lost his own personal battle in the midst of growing up. So, please don’t ever feel badly for remembering Dylan. 🙂

Such A Strange Name, Like Mine...

Klebold = Klee’bold ~ Theibault = Tee’boldt

Miss Kristen Thiebault, who described Mr. Klebold as having been her ”best friend,” said (TCM) members of the group often stayed up late at one another’s homes, watching movies or playing Goldeneye, a video game on Nintendo 64.

“We’d all get on our four controllers and shoot each other up as many times as we could,” she said, standing on the front stoop of the Harris home today after dropping off a bunch of fire-orange roses and a card for his parents. ”Eric and Dylan always lost,” she said, recalling that they would be particularly upset when they were beaten by girls. ”It was just this constant battle of who kills who.” Source

Kristen Theibault at 25 – 6/10/2008

This post is entirely speculative so make of it what you will. 😉

I’ve always felt that Dylan dropped an important ‘hint’ by way of his journal musings that ‘the girl’s’ name was ‘strange like his own name’. That would narrow down the possibilities of at least, one girl, the first girl he fell in love with and focused his attention on for an undetermined length of time. I’ve also considered blonde haired Erin Boortz of the same grade level: Dylan and Erin — first names that have a similar patterning to his own. But hands down, the phonetic sound of Theibault and Klebold rhyme perfectly, mirroringly intertwined. Theibault is a name of french origins but that doesn’t matter – because american english speaking high school students wouldn’t bother using the correct french pronunciation ‘tee’bo’ , they would definitely literally pronounce all of the letters. As with ‘Klebold’, you could use the long ‘ee’ or short ‘e’ and finish off with the hard ‘t’ or ‘dt’ ending: Tee’bolt or Tee’boldt – – ‘Klee’bold’ or ‘Klee’boldt’.

People tend to focus on Dylan’s Acrostic poem referencing the ‘mystery girl’ with the ten letters in her name and while that is an equally valid ‘clue’, it simply amounts to it potentially being a clue meant for another that Dylan was pining for at a certain point in time.The same goes for his unsent (?)
‘Love Love’ [1 and 2] The letter mentions: “I was in class with you 1st semester, and was blessed with being with you in a report. I still remember your laugh, innocent, beautiful, pure. This semester I still see you – rarely. I am entranced during 5th period, as we both have it off.” However, since Kristen was a grade level below Dylan, it disqualifies her because they wouldn’t be in the same class together collaborating on a report. The only mixed grade level classes appear to be gym and bowling. Also, the way Dylan drops hints as to how the girl should know him in the love letter sounds as though they are mostly acquaintances. He is secretly infatuated with her after having worked with her on that report, he sees her in the hall in passing, and she knows him just a bit. Sort of the slide-long glances in the hallway and Dylan blushing and smiling each time he catches her eye type thing.

It’s doubtful the the love letter was intended for Kristen because Dylan knew Kristen. Based on his journal entries, they would’ve met late summer/early fall ‘97 before the start of his junior year and her sophomore year likely at some friend party or get-together. They crossed paths with mutual friends-of-friends sort of thing as Dylan mentions “her friends, who I know – some-” Kristen had more of an ‘in’ with the the original, core ’97-98 TCM crowd and Dylan (and Eric) were only following on the heels of that crowd from ’98-99. As a sophomore and junior, Kristen hung out with TCMers Joe Stair “Kristen’s Foos-ball at Joes” (See above yearbook group photo) , Nicole Markham (gf of Chris Morris), Alex Marsh, Tad Boles, Corey Friesen, Krista Hanley, Pauline Colby, Robert Perry, Brian Sargent and Joe Stair. Dylan’s dad even knew Kristen enough to mention her in his account because she participated in the same Fantasy Baseball league with Dylan and apparently, had even been over to his house!

Judging by Corey Friesen’s statement, it sounds as though near the end.. say, March or April ‘99, Dylan had just perhaps one date with Kristen and they “supposedly had a good time.” Alex Marsh also alludes that the two seemed to have some sort of dating connection but it’s not first hand knowledge only a rumor that they had gone out together. So, somewhere along the line, Dylan and Kristen ended up going out on a ‘date’ of sorts very close to NBK. I wonder if she was the one he’d been working up the nerve to call: Jan 20, ’99: “I love you [redacted], always have, will.” – and – “…I don’t know if I should call her, or wait for Fate to act.”. Also, in Dylan’s first draft practice love letter, he writes at the bottom in parentheses (“I DID try to call you but you must have been asleep”) But, hmm, again, I think that based on the content of that love letter, it’s in reference to another girl, that he didn’t really have a friendship with and he knew she likely wasn’t aware that he felt that way about her. So in the case of the draft letter, he was also trying to work up the nerve to call this other girl.(poor guy, what a struggle just to make some sort of connection.)

Incidentally, the 11k only has one tiny paragraph on Kristen’s account. She went to go see Robert Perry during 4/20. (Ironically, Perry was Dylan’s mistaken look-alike described by quite a few witnesses on 4/20 .) Her witness statement never even mentions any incidence of knowing both Eric and Dylan, let alone knowing Dylan well enough that she hung out and even dated him. I find that, well.. kind of strange. Surely, there must be a good reason for the investigators sloppily omitting her connections with Dylan? Oh, and Erin Boortz? There doesn’t appear to be an account from her at all the 11K. (if someone knows where her statement is, please point me to it. 🙂 ). Is this just coincidental bad investigating on Jeffco’s part or what? Things that make you go, hmm..

It might be a bit of a leap connecting Kristen with Dylan by merely last names that strangely sound alike in rhythm – and yet, it makes an uncanny, lucid sort of sense – the kind that makes you shiver a bit. It seems to resonate. The approach to the unending riddle of Dylan’s True Love can easily be just as figurative as this or as literal as counting letters in girl’s names based on grade level and making them fit Dylan’s acrostic. In the end though, question make answers, and answers conceive questions and since Dylan conceives of many True Love possibilities 😉 , the deductions are..infinitely everlasting? Basically, it simply amounts to us getting Jeffco to redact the black marks off the redacted and we all know that isn’t about to happen. :-/ I guess we’ll have to hope for some tidbit that Sue Klebold tosses our way with the release of her book. On second thought though, she is probably in the same boat with the rest of us regarding her son’s beautiful little secrets.

cool post about dylan’s beaded necklace, i cant believe ive never noticed it. its one of those subtle things that you wont notice after seeing the same pics over and over and over, kinda like how most people didnt spot dylan’s red sox hat in the pic of him and eric dead in the library until someone pointed it out to him (this was the case with me until like a year ago). what were the other 2 items he piled beside him before shooting himself? was the boston hat one of em? thanks

Oh, glad to hear you discovered Dyl’s necklace through my post today! 🙂  

If you look at the post again, I’ve included a snippet from the 11K describing what was in that pile found by his body: a silver pocked watch and his triple barred cross earring. 

Here’s where his Boston Red Sox ball cap ended up. Judging from the amount of blood on it, it would almost seem like he shot himself in the head with the cap on.  Though, it’s a more likely possibility that he left the cap on the floor first, based on what he did with his other personal items, and as he shot himself and fell forward, the hat became blood soaked. 

Quirks: The idiosyncrasies of DBK

Black beaded cloth necklace

Dylan wore this black beaded cloth necklace pretty much all the time, and I’d wager he never took it off even in the shower. There doesn’t appear to be any information from his friends on the origins of his necklace. It seems to hold important personal significance for him and probably in connection to good memories. Sort of a ‘good luck’ juju adornment of sorts. It appears to be homespun, and I get a sense that he fashioned it, probably late elementary school or middle school years. He is visibly wearing the necklace in his 9th to 10th grade class photos. The previous years photos that I’ve come across do not seem to show full length so it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when he started wearing it. The black beaded cloth necklace was one of the three personal items Dylan removed and placed in a small pile before ending his life.

fromrussiawithlotoflove:

Hey guys, I’ve found a new picture of Susan Klebold.

She’s now working as a AFSP Colorado Board Secretary. Since Dylan’s death, Sue has worked to raise suicide awareness and support prevention efforts. She has participated in presentations and written about the experience of surviving a loved one’s murder-suicide.  She is a member of the Survivor Council of AFSP and a Board Member of the Suicide Prevention Coalition of Colorado.

His mom has brown eyes. Interesting..
Thanks for the find. 🙂

Sue Klebold, AFSP Colorado Board Secretary
Sue was an instructor and administrator in the Colorado Community College System for more than 20 years, and a project specialist for the Colorado Department of Labor and Employment for five years, before retiring in 2010. Sue has a Masters degree in education and is a survivor of her son’s suicide. She is the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of two gunmen in the Columbine High School shootings of April 20, 1999 in Littleton, Colorado. Since Dylan’s death, Sue has worked to raise suicide awareness and support prevention efforts. She has participated in presentations and written about the experience of surviving a loved one’s murder-suicide. She is a member of the Survivor Council of AFSP and a Board Member of the Suicide Prevention Coalition of Colorado.