Yes, the Ever-lasting contrast. Since existence has known, the 'fight' between good & evil has continued. Obviously, this fight can never end. Good things turn bad, bad things become good. My fav. contrasting symbol, because it is so true & means so much – the battle between good & bad never ends… Here we ponder on the tragedy of Dylan Klebold.
I’m very sorry to hear you’re struggling so, and I understand exactly where you’re coming from too. I really do, no joke. Many, many of us do around these Knockturn Alley parts of Tumblr. So, know that you’re not alone. 😊 For some of us there is that gravitational pull towards Dylan – just as for some of us , it’s undeniably for Eric. The alignment is a recognition of sorts of parts you supress with yourself and don’t give clear voice to. You feel intensely close to Dyl at this point in your life because you mirror his pain and suffering: his bottled up rageful frustration, his sadness so profoundly. In focusing on him, it awakens more of the deep sadness within you. It’s ok to become aware of all these feelings within yourself and to feel and express all of it. The lesson from Dylan is to not deny your emotions and voice as he did. See him as a voice for your own pain as you represent and give voice to his own. Realize that you can survive this trying time of your life. For this too shall pass. There’s others here that stand beside you, that will support you, as they feel exactly as you do in their connection to Dylan. In walking beside him, let his loss be your strength. 💖
Aww, my goodness…thank you ever so kindly for taking the time to express such thoughtful words of appreciation for E-C. 😊 Dyl’s presence is very much infused within the virtual pages of this blog. If people end up ‘here’ either bringing preconceived judgment or not knowing one iota about Dylan, it’s my hope they’ll at least come away with something they didn’t quite know about before. The ‘lessons’ are all here, in subtle repetition within the multitude of posts..but can only be gleaned by those who are ready to take their societal blinders off and get the message of tragedy about this lost boy. 💖
FUCKIN DUMASS SHITHEAD
I HATE SHIT motherfuckin
goddam piece of death
thought and nothin
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK!
VoDkA and REB explain over and over why they want to kill as many people as they can. Kids taunted them in elementary school, in middle school, in high school. Adults wouldn’t let them strike back, to fight their tormentors, the way such disputes once were settled in schoolyards. So they gritted their teeth. And their rage grew…
“It’s humanity,”Klebold says,
flipping an obscene gesture toward the camera.
“Look at what you made..”
he tells the world.
“You’re fucking shit, you humans, and you deserve to die.”
… They speak at length about all the people who wronged them.
“You’ve given us shit for years..” Klebold says,
“You’re fucking going to pay for all the shit. We don’t give a shit because we’re going to die doing it.”
“Talking to Dylan was like talking to a very intellectual person. He wasn’t a stupid kid. He’s not a thug kid that’s getting suspended. He’s a smart, intelligent kid. I just remember the conversation being at a level; that would you know, you’d sit there and you’d think, ‘Wow, this is a pretty high level conversation for a kid like this.’ You could just tell his feelings around, I’m going to use the politics again but again, he was too intelligent sometimes I felt for his age. You know, he knew too much about certain things and he spoke too eloquently about knowing the law and why he was being suspended and knowing, just you know, speaking about how society is this way towards people.”
-Peter Horvath, Dean, Columbine HS
“How he knew the law” – Diversion Program, yes/yes? 😉
When, during her junior year, Rachel had performed a pantomime called “Who Nailed Him There?” about the man who put the nails in Jesus’ hands and feet to secure him to the cross, the background music cut out midway through her performance. She continued without the music. When the music finally came back on, it picked up where she was in the routine. Dylan Klebold was the sound technician that day and some have speculated that he might have purposefully sabotaged her performance. But Devon Adams, who was a friend of Rachel and Dylan, was in the sound booth with him when it happened. She said Dylan rescued Rachel’s performance. ”He was freakin’ out,” she said. ”He’s going, ‘Stupid tape!’ Rachel kept going, and he tried his best to get it back up. It was just a bad tape. He got it to work better than it had been. He adjusted the levels a little bit and it came out okay.” Devon said Rachel was “a wreck” after that performance but that she thanked Dylan for fixing the tape. ”That was the only time I ever saw her cry,” she said.
A bit more about Devon Adams, from p. 196-198:
The fifteen/thirteen debate came up again when I met with seventeen-year-old Devon Adams, who was completing her junior year at Columbine. She had been a good friend of Dylan Klebold and was part of a small circle of CHS students who had met regularly since May 1999 to work through the tragedy by writing poetry. Because of her friendship with Klebold, it had been difficult for her to express her grief through the standard avenues, such as school assemblies or memorial tiles.
Devon wrote a poem called “A Blessing” in which she struggled to reconcile two Dylans. There was the kind and playful Dylan she remembered, who used to bounce balls off her head in the swimming pool and who wore a goofy Hawaiian shirt to her “murder mystery” sixteenth birthday party, playing Les Baggs the Tourist. Then there was the other Dylan—the one who hid semiautomatic weapons under his trench coat and laughed after calling Isaiah Shoels a racial epithet.
As part of her grieving process, Devon planted a tree and wrote about it in the poem excerpted here:
May this living memory
Grow as tall as you
And taller
To heaven, to the angels, to God herself
May the roots grow to Hell
And bridge the gap
Bring together love and hate
Create absolute understanding.
Her longing for absolute understanding was a prayer everyone in the community seemed to utter at some point, but it was a longing that for many remained unmet. Devon’s frustration was real: In all of the community-sponsored healing events, two names never came up. To most people, there was only that one Dylan, the evil one. ”There are people who won’t accept that he was a friend to people, that he was nice, smart, gentle. Some won’t hear about it,” she said.
Still, Devon did not cling to sentimental remembrances of her lost friend, as if to absolve him of his crimes. She was in math class when the shooting started and escaped quickly without encountering the killers. She reached safety and was listening to news reports that included descriptions of the killers, but no names. ”I knew immediately that it was Eric, and when I heard the description of the other boy, I knew it had to be Dylan,” she said. Devon returned to the school and went to police to identify her friend as one of the killers.
“I have never tried to defend Dylan, ever. There’s nothing to defend. What he did was wrong and I can never make excuses or defend that,” she said. "The boys had to be punished. They did something terribly wrong and they hurt so many people,“ she said. But Devon felt frustrated that the people of one church condemned Eric and Dylan to hell but "were never willing to talk about it.” That is, she felt that church—and others—seemed unwilling to talk about the other Dylan and Eric, the human beings. She said, “I felt sorry for any kid who knew them in that church. It was harsh.”
This was when she brought up the cross controversy. ”Those [two] crosses were in no way there to glorify them. They were there as a memorial for their friends. They were our friends, and we’re allowed to mourn too. By ripping down those crosses, people were saying that we weren’t allowed to mourn. According to the Bible, Christ died on the cross for all sins,” said Devon. She felt that destroying the two crosses implied that Christ died for all sins—except Eric’s and Dylan’s.
Devon’s words ring clear and true. I wonder if she still feels the same today..
Devon’s frustration was real: In all of the community-sponsored healing events, two names never came up. To most people, there was only that one Dylan, the evil one. ”There are people who won’t accept that he was a friend to people, that he was nice, smart, gentle. Some won’t hear about it,” she said.
”I have never tried to defend Dylan, ever. There’s nothing to defend. What he did was wrong and I can never make excuses or defend that,” she said. ”The boys had to be punished. They did something terribly wrong and they hurt so many people,” said. But Devon felt frustrated that the people of one church condemned Eric and Dylan to hell but “were never willing to talk about it.” That is, she felt that church—and others—seemed unwilling to talk about the other Dylan and Eric, the human beings. She said, “I felt sorry for any kid who knew them in that church. It was harsh.”
This was when she brought up the cross controversy. ”Those [two] crosses were in no way there to glorify them. They were there as a memorial for their friends. They were our friends, and we’re allowed to mourn too. By ripping down those crosses, people were saying that we weren’t allowed to mourn. According to the Bible, Christ died on the cross for all sins,” said Devon. She felt that destroying the two crosses implied that Christ died for all sins—except Eric’s and Dylan’s.
Bouncy Dyl
Whether he’s comin’ or goin’, dude has got some pep to his step.. 😉
Eric: YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!
Dylan: oh god
Eric: *seething with anger*
Dylan: please dont
Eric: THE DRESS! IF I THINK ITS BLACK AND BLUE, ITS BLACK AND BLUE AND IF ANYONE THINKS OTHERWISE I WILL BLOW THEIR DAMN HEAD OFF!
Dylan:
Eric:
Dylan: its white and gold…
Eric: WHAT THE FUCK
Eric: FIRST YOURE FUCKING JEWISH AND NOW THIS?!
Brooks Brown gives his audio account and seems to be alluding that he’s heard a fairly detailed, uncensored 911 tape in this vid. However, the 911 tape recording played after his dialog in this video is not really all that clear and it’s very vague as to what you can make out. Not really sure if Brooks is embellishing that he’s heard a crystal clear version with Jeffco’s permission. I would somehow doubt that. In any case, the version that was released to the public and is rampant on youtube has very little distinguishable dialog but still provocative and quite chilling just in the mere staccato gun shots and Val Schnurr’s screams near the end.
Brooks goes on to distinguish the difference in demeanor between Dylan and Eric in the library. He describes that Dylan wasn’t holding back one bit with the verbal expression and ‘having the time of his life’ laughing, cheering and relishing in the malicious mockery. Brooks’ interprets this brazen attitude of his close childhood friend as a final ‘hoorah’ to Dylan who was sick of life and about to kill himself and so completely let himself become unhinged to enjoy the revenge on NBK. Dylan was partying to his end. On the other hand, Eric was more subdued and calculated, more ‘like a soldier’ on a mission about it. The two almost tend to switch typical personality dynamics on 4/20: Dylan externalizes his pent up rage and Eric internalizes and hones it.
I suppose I should reiterate and say that it was custom made by a friend? 😏 Hah..You’re a complete coolio! His real deal sunglasses? Haven’t ever spotted those. I’d be interested in knowing the exact brand/style of combat boots Dyl wore. Hmm.. I wonder if resident military ‘fashion’ expert c0atimundi might actually know this tidbit. 😎
Naturlich, 🙂 they’re black jungle boots with the later “vibram” sole (as opposed to the earlier ‘panama’ sole). We used these from the Vietnam war all the way to the 2nd Gulf war (and slightly beyond for some till 2008) with slight variations over time (materials used, drainage grommets, sole pattern, speed-laces, spike resistant plate rear seam, padded or non padded collar, insole, blah blah etc). The military issued a set in black (previously the canvas/nylon parts were green) sometime in the 80’s.
There are plenty of companies that make these for the civilian market, some are the same people who made/make them for the military (altama, wellco, bata, belleville, ro-search), some are purely commercial/civvie and put out low quality shit that starts to fall apart after a week or so (rothco, propper, sturm, genuine-gear, and many many many others), these are the ones you’ll find brand new for 20-40 bucks. If you want a pair just search through ebay and try to get a used set from the good brands/military surplus. The specific brand Eric and Dylan used is hard to say with the grainy footage and pics we have, but I’m guessing altama or wellco? they tend to have the vibram logo displayed prominently (sometimes in bright yellow, sometimes black) infront of the heel, there’s some kind of rectangular bit lengthwise on Eric’s and widthwise on Dyl’s there. Dylan’s boots also appear to have a padded collar.
Difficult to really be sure what specific brand they are, but it doesn’t matter that much; like whether their BDUs were twill or rip-stop, button or zipper fly, too tiny a detail to make much of a fuss about.
The little hammer and sickle split pin btw, is just the standard enameled Soviet military cap pin used from the 60’s onward, shouldn’t cost more than a few dollars (like a quarter actually, they made like a ga-billion of em).
Double also, because I know it’s going to come up; that photo of Dylan’s boot with the autopsy description isn’t Dylan’s boot, just a mocked up one for visual reference.
I just knew you’d be in your element with a very thorough answer. 😉 And I’m the one that originally posted that ‘Dylan’s book with the autopsy description’ that’s floating around and has been reblogged endlessly – guilty as charged back in the early days! 😉 I quickly realized they were not his boots since for one, Dyl has a size 12 foot and also, that thick, very stiff-like padding..or ‘padded collar’ as you call it? extends up the front, along the length of where the lacing is. It’s certainly a unique looking style..hm, don’t know if “Jungle boots” versus run-of-the-mill “combat boots” makes that difference in the a more rugged design? I’ve done some searching around but never find the exact match of his boot. Thanks for filling in the blanks with much detail complete with military back-ground history. Your knowledge is most resourceful. 🙂
I’ve always wondered about Dylan’s right boot in this gif, it looks almost like it had become untied. He probably didn’t give a shit about tying it seeing how he’d be dead in another 10-15 minutes anyways.
I didn’t even notice that until you pointed it out
I noticed that quite a while back and then when looking at their suicide photo’s I wondered wtf I had been seeing, seeing how his boots both look fully tied….
U.S triple grenade pouch, used from the end of ww2 till the 70’s. Like this:
It’s drawn on all of his gear sketches, with the first two pouches containing extra 9mm bullets or shotgun shells, the 3rd is listed as “poison” in one of the sketches.
In the basement tape “transcripts”; “He attaches black suspenders to his pants & also attaches a tan ammo type pouch to his belt or suspenders & a green canvas pouch to his right shin.” (the “tan ammo type pouch” is just a Nikon camera case he used to hold molotov Snapples)
In the gear exhibit case it’s on the upper shelf, right side, folded ontop of itself and in-between Eric’s black and green ALICE shotgun shell pouches.
Always been soo intrigued with this loosely fastened ‘triple granade’ pouch to his right leg. Seems like it would’ve been a nuisance to drag around but Dyl simply wasn’t fussed. Hm. I feel another series of ‘Indiodyncrasies of’ post coming on. 😉
Eric had his back to the bookshelves, at an angle, and Dylan had his back towards the book cart. Both were facing outward but kitty-corner parallel towards the tables and main library windows but neither were looking directly at one another. Eric shot himself first and had his knees bent up towards his chest and put the shotgun in his mouth. The force of the shotgun propelled him back and partially on his side. How he was discovered is pretty much how he landed. Dylan would have only peripherally seen Eric shoot himself but would not have witnessed him committing the act straight on – as in – his direct line of vision. He certainly would’ve heard the deafening sound of impact and blood spatter as Eric fell back and his knees dropped as though he were laying down, with the gun underneath his leg. After Eric committed the act, Dylan followed up and shot himself with his left hand to the left temple no more than a couple of seconds after Eric pulled the trigger. Dylan fell face down on top of Eric’s legs and bled out on top of his friend’s leg and boot. Dylan was, for all intent and purpose, already brain dead when his body began to convulse, cough and sputter. This was his body’s involuntary response of futilely trying to aspirate and purge the blood out of his lungs; his secondary cause of death was futility drowning within his own bodily fluids since his brain was no longer in charge of his body. It’s unclear if when Dylan ‘coughed’ that he somehow managed to roll onto his back as he was dying and expire – or – the cops came in and simply kicked him off Eric just to check and see if he was dead. So, no, it’s a myth that the two counted “1, 2, 3” and then shot themselves simultaneously nor did Dylan and Eric look each other as they off’d themselves. Dylan experienced Eric’s death but not directly. He probably peered down a brief second and witnessed Eric’s legs sprawling out in loss of bodily control. I do not get the sense that he looked back over his shoulder to immortalize his friend and brother as a bloody pulp of gore for one last impression on his mind to go out with. In that moment, bereft and utterly alone, Dylan’s focus became solely about his own physical escape from the world. Of course, this is my own extrapolation from the evidence…
I think when they got back to the library the last time, they walked in, maybe paused briefly at the security scanners near the entrance doors and quickly assessed that everyone had left. At this point, the fascination was no longer about their kills scattered about the library. The thrill had evaporated and they were in a disillusioned funk over the overall failure of NBK. So, no, I don’t think they walked around in the library gloating or even just to linger and survey the damage. They were sick of it and the walls were closing in. The thought of getting caught and arrested would be a fate worse than death. The attention was now on the presence of the cops and the sense of being surrounded. The library exit door leading out to where the south-west entrance is located was now propped open from the students that had fled form the library and emergency vehicles were milling about just outside. Cops were there too – some keeping an eye on that door. This caught the boys’ notice as they walked further on towards the front of the library. I seem to recall from the 11K that it was eerie because one of the boys (from the description it sounded like Dylan) was seen visibly standing off in the distance from that door looking back at the cops just outside. The Lost Boy looking rather like a ghost in the smokey haze of the library staring outside the open doorway. They were face-to-face for moments and I believe some fire was exchanged in a cursory way by the boys at the cops. Since nothing else had gone as planned, the only focus at this point had become about ‘killing cops’ so they progressed to the noises outside the main windows to get a good view of all the attention they had literally surrounded by cars, cops, swat, media, helicopters. The two exchanged fire with the vulnerable cops and ambulances on the ground trying to shuttle wounded into safety with cops simultaneously firing back up at them. The concerted battle was the boys’ last ‘hurrah’ – their vendetta against “the authority” which also served the purpose of attempting to attain their planned death wish: to be killed by cops. At some point in the brief showdown, they must have realized it was futile. They were rapidly running out of ammo and realized that even the fantasy they’d envisioned with someone else taking their lives was not to be in the cards. At this point, the two turned from the window and had begun to quickly survey a decent enough spot within their sights for them to end their lives. They were now weary, disillusioned and desperate to take care of the problem. The back corner of the library would do.
There wasn’t time to think; simply do what needed to be done. They strode over to their designated graveyard with resigned purpose. The only way to do this properly and without hesitation was to do it as quick as possible. Seems Eric would have been single minded in purpose, like a soldier, all business-like. Dylan would’ve been considering how he wanted to go and which personal affects he would remove off of himself. While Dylan was doing all of this, Eric was busying himself, already getting down into position and adjusting Arlene. Any exchange of words would have been hasty and not overly considered. Too much delay and hesitation would make things more difficult. The deed needed to be done, the sooner the better, especially for Eric who likely had a haunted look on his face because he quickly had to come to terms with suicide by his own hand in addition to the failure of NBK.. By contrast, Dylan would’ve been quietly methodical, calm if not lethargic in movement. He had waited for this moment for a long time and he was mindful having fantasy-rehearsed his death several different ways before. Dylan prepared for his suicide in an almost ritual-like way by removing certain items and putting them into a small pile by himself. Somewhere in there, Dylan decided to light a Molotov which only partially exploded on the table nearby. Yet, another failure.. Eric looked up at Dylan and the exchange might have been a nod of: “Nice knowing you man, see you on the flip side.” And just as Dylan looked away for a split second to remove something, he would’ve been stunned by how abruptly his friend had managed to have done it, pulled the trigger: the deafening sound of the shotgun, the splattering of Eric’s brains hitting the ceiling and the blood projectiling everywhere, including on his own clothes and arm. Just in that split second, he had experienced Eric’s death peripherally while in the midst of shedding his belongings. He may have thought Eric could have waited for them to go out together, instead that was not to be the reality just as none of it had gone the way they thought it would that day. Dylan was then literally all alone and just the thought of that in and of itself was more than enough motivation to shakily position his TEC a hair’s breath from his skull and blow himself away from his miserable existence as well. I would imagine that he’d have closed his eyes and took one last tremulous breathe while holding the vision of the Halcyons within his mind’s eye, where freedom and bliss awaited him.“ I didn’t like life too much & I know I’ll be happier wherever the fuck I go. So I’m gone. …”
And, well, that’s approximately how I envision it? The moment they are back up in the library that last time would’ve been a very haunting, disillusioning, hardcore-gritty experience for them. It was Them versus The World which was closing in on them like a vice. Think Star Wars trash compactor. No time to look around to admire their (rather meager) destructive handiwork they were responsible for and no time to say thoughtful “hey bro, you were the best man. I love you, dude” sentiments. Just them stuck in the library looking back at NBK as the biggest flop of their lives only to further define them as losers. Even the very last molotov that Dylan threw on the table seemed to say “nope, you two are made of fail.” You would’ve thought Dylan might’ve wanted to pull the trigger first since he was eager for death or that Eric and Dylan would’ve waited for one another to be ready, to do it idealistically together as Bros in Arms – but instead, the colossal failure of NBK was enough to make a suddenly extremely self-loathing Eric want to blow his brains first and asap, leaving Dylan to go it alone. The enormous sense of aloneness in that moment for Dylan would’ve topped all others in his life.
This was much more long-winded than I intended. Hope it helped satisfy your question and then some! And thank you so much for the kind words. 🙂
Touring Harris’ bedroom, where outside they have buried some of their ammunition in what they call “the whiskey bunker,” the two point out semi-automatic weapons and Harris’ beloved G.I. Joe action figures.
“I’ve always loved them..” says Eric.
Dylan complains that the manufacturer should make “at least one moveable part” in G.I. Joes.
Dylan mentions the “bunker” and attempts to video tape out the west window of Eric’s room but it is dark outside and you cannot see anything other than the GLARE on the window.
Dylan states there is a patch of ground where it is buried under the dirt.
“You can’t see it, it’s buried there. That’s why it’s called a bunker..”
The Everlasting Contrast 
