depressioners:

accept fate / resist fate

This year’s NBK anniversary has found me in a puddle of gloom. I think, in some way, Eric could’ve been talked out of it all. If Dylan had been healthy, been able to function free from extreme depression, he could’ve talked Eric down. I believe Eric adored him, in a way, in his own fiery way. He relied on V for validation. Dylan was one of the rare people Eric respected. With the support of his best bud and a more successful experience with therapy/counseling/medication, who knows how it could’ve changed the course. We are plagued by infinite what-ifs.

I read Dylan as so deeply lost in the depths… He would have needed more than the worried urging of a friend to save him?

That aside, here’s another weird drawing. D and E tangling with the white wyrm of (inescapable?) fate.

– C

The end is the beginning of the end, symbiotic cataclysmic doom.

This should be an R & V tarot card deck. Missed seeing your stuff! ❤️

What do you think was going through Dylan’s mind during the Breakfast Run video? Knowing it was just one day before his death and the massacre… Was he nervous, in denial, or calm and comforted by the thought? Was nbk even on his mind? It’s such an interesting video.

Yes, the Breakfast Run is a very interesting video to study. Dylan’s demeanor seems chill, laid back and seemingly unfussed as he’s whistling a tune while waiting in the drive thru (and what IS that tune? it seems SO familiar to me, on the tip of my tongue, tbh). Yet, at the same time, you can observe the shadowy side of his face and he’s very quiet and observant. You see his eyes imperceptibly studying things through his lashes, behind the backsides of his trademark shades – watching Dustin hyper energetically interact while ordering food and slamming the steering wheel listening to tunes (doing all those “human” things) and he is detached even with two other dudes in the car, he is almost an island on to himself. Even though Dylan is making the occasional quip in a very soft voice that perplexes and amuses him – ketchup with cinnaminis? – there is a good part of him that is basically like still waters within himself. He is very compartmentalized in this video. It’s like he’s let all the anxiety and private turbulence that he experienced earlier in the week over NBK finally go. By now, he’s come to this kind of ‘settled’ point, on the eve of NBK, where he’s released the human sense of fear, flight and struggle go; he’s just serene and centered, letting what will be, be. The relief that tomorrow would bring death and an exit from this world to a better place, wherever that might be, is what is propelling him to limp those extra few feet to the finish line of his painful life and to do it with a whistle and a snap of his fingers.

Why did Eric ask out so many girls and interact with Susan, especially days before. If he knew he was going to die and none of it would matter, why did he bother? He also wasn’t after the same thing as Dylan so it doesn’t make sense for him to have been so persistent with girls.

It was a last ditch effort to prove to himself that he could be successful with the opposite sex? All the dudes around him had girlfriends and/or were taking a girl to prom, including Dylan, and so that fact made it all the more important for him to not feel excluded or like a failure. He was desperate for female attention. Plus, there was always that possibility he’d get himself laid..and hell, maybe that might change some shit around for him?

“I’m sick of waking up each day with a broken heart, of missing Dylan and wanting to scream loud enough to wake up from the nightmare my life has become. I want to hold Dylan in my arms again, to cuddle him as I did years ago, to hold him in my lap and help him with his shoes or a puzzle. I want to talk to him, and stop him from even considering this horrible act.”

matrixal-cancer666:

A journal entry dated 11th of May 1999 by Sue Klebold.

everlasting-contrast:

thecolumbinevictims:

I would like to light a candle for Cassie Bernall, Steve Curnow, Corey DePooter, Kelly Fleming, Eric Harris, Matt Kechter, Dylan Klebold, Daniel Mauser, Daniel Rohrbough, Rachel Scott, Isaiah Shoels, John Tomlin, Lauren Townsend, Kyle Velasquez and Dave Sanders. May you all have found peace wherever you are. You are not forgotten.

April 20, 1999 – April 20, 2015

April 20, 1999 – April 20, 2016 – 17 years

thedragonrampant:

Fifteen crosses for fifteen people. They call their presence a memorial. The community brings them flowers, which is as much a plea to come back as it is an apology. There are words humming in the air around the crosses, singing their anger and their grief in blackest black upon their wood, and it feels like the world itself has stopped to listen.

They say that crosses are markers for the dead. They say that the names written on these crosses are all that encompass someone’s being. We are nothing but our names and the date upon which we left this Earth. Even when the crosses are torn down, these names and that date hallmark some turning point in time.

Crosses are, in all honesty, markers for the living. Their entire meaning comes from the struggle of life itself. We have been told that we all have our own cross to bear. That we shoulder our own cross throughout all the days of our lives. That we sometimes stumble under it, and fall, and get back up again. And a standing cross upon a gravesite becomes nothing more or less than the symbol of completion. A row of fifteen crosses in the centre of a community marks nothing else than the recognition that fifteen people planted their life’s cross upon the Earth and walked away from it forever.

None of these crosses say anything about the people they immortalise. They don’t speak of their brightest days. They don’t remember the cry of a newborn baby, or the laughter of a child. They don’t know which bones were broken, which scratches and scrapes were kissed and tended to, which worries were soothed in the dead of night. They didn’t sit with terror upon waking from a dream that foretold the end of the world. They didn’t hear a whispered prayer of please and thank you. They don’t recall moments of failure or victory. They don’t recall what it feels like to be embraced and loved throughout all the days of life.

Those memories are for the living. These memories are the ones scribbled upon the crosses of the people that were left behind. They walk hand in hand with those other memories that are nothing but That Day and After That Day. Some remember That Day and After That Day more than they remember Before. That Day is always remembered today, on a day in April, and we all live within the After.

I would like to think that Before is primarily the domain of parents, of friends, of loved ones. Before are the photographs on the wall, the handwritten cards, the drawings from childhood years, the memories that make the dead come to life again. Before inspires the fight that takes place After. Sometimes, however, Before is the entire world’s domain in fleeting smiles dancing before our eyes and long-gone voices whispering nothing of import in our ears. Sometimes, Before becomes a waking companion in the dead of night when the loss of fifteen souls becomes the loss of fifteen universes.

Sometimes, Before is all I see when looking at fifteen crosses.

Sometimes, Before erases the divide between thirteen and two.

I have no crosses with which to mark the passing of That Day. I have nothing but names and infinite stories great and small to share.

Rachel Scott
Daniel Rohrbough
Kelly Fleming
Lauren Townsend
John Tomlin
Matt Kechter
Isaiah Shoels
Daniel Mauser
Corey DePooter
Dave Sanders
Kyle Velasquez
Steve Curnow
Cassie Bernall
Dylan Klebold
Eric Harris

I have nothing but the thought that I would have liked to know you.

Two angry boys, charting a plan
Guided by forces they don’t understand
One of them yells, “I’ll make them pay!
I won’t let anyone get in my way!”

I’m gonna start a chain reaction
I will not stop till I have satisfaction
I am consumed by agitation
I’ll make a difference in my generation
I’ll be a part, with all of my heart
I’m gonna start- a chain reaction

Pretty young girl, writing it down
Walking her talk, ’cause she knows she has found
Light for her life, watch her now shine
Mercy in action and words that are kind

I’m gonna start- a chain reaction
I will not stop till I have satisfaction
I am consumed by inspiration
I’ll make a difference in my generation
I’ll be a part, with all of my heart
I’m gonna start- a chain reaction

They are now gone, I’m here today
Facing the choices God brings my way
Life can be hard, and I understand
But I’m committed to do what I can

I’m gonna start a chain reaction
I will not stop till I have satisfaction
I am consumed by inspiration
I’ll make a difference in my generation
I’ll be a part, with all of my heart
I’m gonna start- a chain reaction

*Chain Reaction by Darrell Scott [copyright 2000]*

everlasting-contrast:

everlasting-contrast:

“Goodbye, sorry to everyone … I just can’t take it … all the thoughts … too many … make my head twist … I must have happiness, love, peace. Goodbye”

“no emotions, not caring, yet another stage in this shit life. suicide.”

“Society is tightening its grip on me, & soon I & will snap. We will have our revenge on society, & then be free, to exist in a timeless spaceless place of pure happiness. The purpose of life is to be happy & be with your love who is equally happy. Not much more to say. Goodbye.”

“This is prob. my last entry. I love myself a close second to [redacted] my everlasting love. goodbye.”

“The happiness is close, visible ending, end of the beginning of the halcyons.”

“Time to die, time to be free, time to love.”

“Today is the day I die!” Woooo!“

———

April 20, 1999 – April 20, 2015 – 12:08 am MT

17 years later on the earth plane, and on this day, we hope you have found that reprieve, Dylan. That ‘PEACE’ that you so craved to end your earthly infinite struggle. Here is hoping that your resurrection into the Halycons and beyond, into your next Existence (whichever door that may be in the Great Hall) is filled with everlasting love, peace and happiness. Absolution from your own self tormentations and forgiveness from the 13 victims of whom you projected your earthly pain and suffering on to. To be like a phoenix rising from the ashes – for all fifteen, for their families and extended families and everyone else who have been affected by this tragedy in their own ways, like a multitude of ripples on a unfathomably large body of water. Peace out.

Dylan Klebold
?-?-?  (who cares?)
will                                

                                  Will  

Ok, this is my will.  This is a fucking human
thing to do, but whatever.
(Zack) – You were a badass, never failed to get
me up when i was down.  Thx. You get

                                     Fielst *

* I do not think this spells “Fucked!” as most Columbine author’s like Peter Langman tend to assume.  The exact lettering isn’t sloppy spelling of a cuss word; the letters look intention as if to form the German word “Fielst”  which could mean anything from fallen or down. Downfall?  Down in a slump perhaps?  Dylan may have been sardonic here by saying that there is nothing he’ll be ever able to give his friend to adequately express a thanks. His one best friend, the one who understood him well, the one that always managed to be there for him while he was depressed and made him feel up,  Dylan will be screwing over in what he’s about to do. All he will be giving his friend in return is willing him one big downer. This is my personal interpretation because I feel the way the letters are spelled looks exactly like this german word.  Nothing else seems to fit…yet, anyway. 😉

Update: The word is quite possibly Fucked after all – but the German slang for Fucked –  Fickt. One thing is for certain, I do feel as though the word is German. and not just his sloppy spelling of English ‘Fucked’

“Some weeks earlier, I had asked Dylan about his friends’ plans. He said Nate, Zack, and some of the others were off to college; Eric was hoping to join the Marines. Before our dinner with the Harrises, I asked Dylan for an update on Eric’s plans. Joining the Marines had fallen through, he told me. Eric would be living at home, working, and attending community college instead.  During this conversation, Dylan had a faraway look, which made me worry he was having second thoughts about his own college plans.

After an initial flurry of excitement over a warmer climate, he’d withdrawn, becoming even more pensive and quiet than usual, as if he had something on his mind.

“You’re sure you want to go away?” I asked.

Some of our friends’ kids had started their college careers at community colleges closer to home, and I wanted to remind him there were other options.

“I definitely want to go away,” he said, sounding decisive.

I nodded, believing I understood: he was nervous, naturally, but ready, too. I think now he was talking about his own death.”

– Sue Klebold – A Mother’s Reckoning – February ‘99