Do you know where I can find full transcripts of E & D’s journals? I can only find them on acolumbinesite and I’m not sure if those are their full journals or not

acolumbine site is sketchy when it comes to the boys’ journals.

The best website to find the entire 11K in an organized fashion is: evanlong.net

This site has the 936 pages – Dylan and Eric’s entire journals, doodles and school day planner material written by their own hand.

School Shooters Info is Peter Langman’s school shooter profile website, author of “Why Kids Kill.”

Langman’s Dylan translations tend to be a little hit and miss in some places. He misinterprets some things and what he can’t translate he puts in “?” but overall these are pretty good references if you might be stuck going WTF? on the boy’s handwriting. I, myself, prefer Dylan’s ‘font’. I tend to get lost within the essence of his scrawl and I always glean something new from diving into it. 🙂

Dylan’s journal

Eric’s journal

HAVE FUN!

what is your honest opinion on the idea of eric and dylan having feelings for each other/questioning their sexuality? do you think they ever messed around?

My honest opinion is boring and probably not what you were maybe hoping to hear? 🙂 But, no, Eric and Dylan were not interested in each other in a sexual sort of way. They were good friends, Brothers in Arms but not the Bromance variety. But, hey, there’s always slash fiction for some of you out there. 😛

According to their friends, the dudes were very much hetero. Eric was a pretty traditional sort, constantly trying to get girls to go out with him and tended towards homophobia. Dylan wrote about the girls he was attracted to but the intensity of his shyness prohibited his ability to cross over from girl friendships into dating. I addressed the anon ask concerning the rumor as to whether Dylan might have been bisexual here.

Wouldn’t it be something if an individual did something to impact the world in a wonderful way and when asked “who was your influence?” They would say “Dylan Klebold” Thad mess with society wouldn’t it? I feel he’d love good being done in his name.

Yess.. Now you’re talking! The ironic beauty of the notion that even Dylan Klebold can transform into an inspirational and positive driving force for good in certain people’s lives, myself included. It would definitely please him. I think he’d get a kick, infact. 😉

“good things turn bad, and bad things become good.” ..and the phoenix rises from the ashes..

do you think, had NBK never ever been a plan, Dylan would’ve killed himself anyway? Or do you think that perhaps NBK was just something to prompt himself into doing it?

I think Dylan thought of and fantasized about suicide on his own but didn’t have the means or the full-on nerve for it. He liked the idea of thinking dramatically, tragic romantically about how it’d go. For example, if the girl he loved didn’t want him the way he wanted her, he envisioned himself strapping the pipe bomb ‘Atlanta’ to him and then slit his wrists. Creative and melodramatic dude. 😉 Another top fantasy floating around in his head was to commit suicide with someone else. The idea of a shooting spree with someone was, hell, even better! The the thought, maybe Zack would want to because he felt the same way I did? But when NBK formulated solidly in Dylan and Eric’s minds, I think Dylan felt that this would be his perfect exit vehicle: it would give him the strength to go forward and do it without hesitation. No wavering by himself alone in his bedroom. Plus, he could also have his sweet revenge before doing what he always wanted to, that would be like the icing on the cake. Dylan would’ve have to lose his nerve because someone close enough would be there with him to do it along side him and with equal conviction. Dylan had Leo in Mars and so the idea of a grand, public display of rage release and then going out in a big way appealed to that normally hidden but ‘big reveal’ showy aspect inside himself.

I was pretty surprised when you started following me. It must have been because of that post where I mentioned Eric, I imagine? Anyway, I actually had a bit of an interest in the whole Columbine story before putting off, thinking it was going to mess me up. I decided to take a look at your blog after the follow and came across the link leading to Dylan’s journal. A sad but fascinating read, really. I think you’ve actually got me back on the ball again. Very informative blog, keep it up! :)

Oh, no, ‘I got you back on the ball again’? Well, I hope that’s meant as a good thing. 😉 Thanks for stopping by with the kind words. A sad but fascinating read are perfect words to describe reading Dylan’s journal for your first time. I warn you though, once you go down the rabbit hole there’s no turning back the other way ‘round. 😉

Who was Erin bortz?

Erin Boortz is a blonde senior, class of ‘99 that I noted has a similar sounding name to Dylan. Other than that, there doesn’t appear to be any information that directly connects her to him. I was speculating about her because of her name. Actually, there’s oddly no information period on her in the 11K, well, that I’ve seen yet, anyway…

I wish I could talk to Dylan :( do you think he would survive jail?

Dylan definitely would not have survived in prison. It would’ve been very, very tough for him. I’m sure he would’ve spent time trying to figuring out how to sneak around to off himself undetected. He was having a hard enough time surviving and coping outside prison in the ‘free’ world and on top of that, the criminal record with the van theft combined with the year long diversion program sentencing was devastating and shameful enough for him. And, what’s stopping you from talking to Dylan? 🙂

I am interested in Dylan Klebold’s life. There is a gravitation pull towards knowing him. Almost a feeling and one cannot stop a feeling. Do you think Dylan regrets what he did looking at the world now? Or do you think he’s here reincarnated?

I understand that pull and the depth of feeling. 🙂  There’s reasons for this as he reflects back at yourself. Pay attention to why he moves you in relation to yourself and how you can learn from him.   I would say as an old soul, Dylan understood and assumed the responsibility of regret fairly quickly. His actions were derived from a desperate sense of blotting out his personal pain, and he included the world in on that pain.  I’d say spirit Dylan knew it was his part to play this important but heavy role, to make these drastic, devastating choices, because he was meant to demand attention in the world at the end of the 20th century and the dawn of the Millennium. The end was the beginning of the end of the old and beginning the new. He was one of the first heavy stones smacking the otherwise calm water of the big pond of consciousness, causing ripples of a wakeup call to the world. Fifteen years is not much after wanting so badly to leave here – so, it would be too early for him to reincarnate.  To be honest, I get the sense that he doesn’t really want to be back here in a human body operating on a slower, plodding vibration level –  at least, not yet, anyway. 

I really appreciate your blog. I feel like when I talk about Dylan or Columbine others think I’m going to go out and shoot people, but really I just want to remember Dylan as an individual, because I feel like a part of him was worth saving. Thanks!

Thanks for expressing your appreciation. 🙂  The intent of this blog is to look past the fact that Dylan killed in the very last 40 minutes of his life.  Most people get stuck on the “he killed” part but the rest of us here have moved past the surface stuff into understanding the bigger picture.  This blog is dedicated to examining Dylan as a person, an individual, and trying to understand his struggles, the positives and the negatives, and making some sense of it.  He is worth remembering because he was essentially a good and decent person that lost his way. Dylan could be anyone, he represents anyone. His tragedy is that he was worth saving and he could’ve been saved but instead ended up a loss of great potential. If he hadn’t gotten lost then the victims would never have been lost.  It’s important to examine how he might have gotten lost.  The shooting doesn’t have to remain a senseless act of violence if you have the courage to look beyond the surface to see Dylan, the Columbine shooter, as an individual who lost his own personal battle in the midst of growing up. So, please don’t ever feel badly for remembering Dylan. 🙂

Such A Strange Name, Like Mine...

Klebold = Klee’bold ~ Theibault = Tee’boldt

Miss Kristen Thiebault, who described Mr. Klebold as having been her ”best friend,” said (TCM) members of the group often stayed up late at one another’s homes, watching movies or playing Goldeneye, a video game on Nintendo 64.

“We’d all get on our four controllers and shoot each other up as many times as we could,” she said, standing on the front stoop of the Harris home today after dropping off a bunch of fire-orange roses and a card for his parents. ”Eric and Dylan always lost,” she said, recalling that they would be particularly upset when they were beaten by girls. ”It was just this constant battle of who kills who.” Source

Kristen Theibault at 25 – 6/10/2008

This post is entirely speculative so make of it what you will. 😉

I’ve always felt that Dylan dropped an important ‘hint’ by way of his journal musings that ‘the girl’s’ name was ‘strange like his own name’. That would narrow down the possibilities of at least, one girl, the first girl he fell in love with and focused his attention on for an undetermined length of time. I’ve also considered blonde haired Erin Boortz of the same grade level: Dylan and Erin — first names that have a similar patterning to his own. But hands down, the phonetic sound of Theibault and Klebold rhyme perfectly, mirroringly intertwined. Theibault is a name of french origins but that doesn’t matter – because american english speaking high school students wouldn’t bother using the correct french pronunciation ‘tee’bo’ , they would definitely literally pronounce all of the letters. As with ‘Klebold’, you could use the long ‘ee’ or short ‘e’ and finish off with the hard ‘t’ or ‘dt’ ending: Tee’bolt or Tee’boldt – – ‘Klee’bold’ or ‘Klee’boldt’.

People tend to focus on Dylan’s Acrostic poem referencing the ‘mystery girl’ with the ten letters in her name and while that is an equally valid ‘clue’, it simply amounts to it potentially being a clue meant for another that Dylan was pining for at a certain point in time.The same goes for his unsent (?)
‘Love Love’ [1 and 2] The letter mentions: “I was in class with you 1st semester, and was blessed with being with you in a report. I still remember your laugh, innocent, beautiful, pure. This semester I still see you – rarely. I am entranced during 5th period, as we both have it off.” However, since Kristen was a grade level below Dylan, it disqualifies her because they wouldn’t be in the same class together collaborating on a report. The only mixed grade level classes appear to be gym and bowling. Also, the way Dylan drops hints as to how the girl should know him in the love letter sounds as though they are mostly acquaintances. He is secretly infatuated with her after having worked with her on that report, he sees her in the hall in passing, and she knows him just a bit. Sort of the slide-long glances in the hallway and Dylan blushing and smiling each time he catches her eye type thing.

It’s doubtful the the love letter was intended for Kristen because Dylan knew Kristen. Based on his journal entries, they would’ve met late summer/early fall ‘97 before the start of his junior year and her sophomore year likely at some friend party or get-together. They crossed paths with mutual friends-of-friends sort of thing as Dylan mentions “her friends, who I know – some-” Kristen had more of an ‘in’ with the the original, core ’97-98 TCM crowd and Dylan (and Eric) were only following on the heels of that crowd from ’98-99. As a sophomore and junior, Kristen hung out with TCMers Joe Stair “Kristen’s Foos-ball at Joes” (See above yearbook group photo) , Nicole Markham (gf of Chris Morris), Alex Marsh, Tad Boles, Corey Friesen, Krista Hanley, Pauline Colby, Robert Perry, Brian Sargent and Joe Stair. Dylan’s dad even knew Kristen enough to mention her in his account because she participated in the same Fantasy Baseball league with Dylan and apparently, had even been over to his house!

Judging by Corey Friesen’s statement, it sounds as though near the end.. say, March or April ‘99, Dylan had just perhaps one date with Kristen and they “supposedly had a good time.” Alex Marsh also alludes that the two seemed to have some sort of dating connection but it’s not first hand knowledge only a rumor that they had gone out together. So, somewhere along the line, Dylan and Kristen ended up going out on a ‘date’ of sorts very close to NBK. I wonder if she was the one he’d been working up the nerve to call: Jan 20, ’99: “I love you [redacted], always have, will.” – and – “…I don’t know if I should call her, or wait for Fate to act.”. Also, in Dylan’s first draft practice love letter, he writes at the bottom in parentheses (“I DID try to call you but you must have been asleep”) But, hmm, again, I think that based on the content of that love letter, it’s in reference to another girl, that he didn’t really have a friendship with and he knew she likely wasn’t aware that he felt that way about her. So in the case of the draft letter, he was also trying to work up the nerve to call this other girl.(poor guy, what a struggle just to make some sort of connection.)

Incidentally, the 11k only has one tiny paragraph on Kristen’s account. She went to go see Robert Perry during 4/20. (Ironically, Perry was Dylan’s mistaken look-alike described by quite a few witnesses on 4/20 .) Her witness statement never even mentions any incidence of knowing both Eric and Dylan, let alone knowing Dylan well enough that she hung out and even dated him. I find that, well.. kind of strange. Surely, there must be a good reason for the investigators sloppily omitting her connections with Dylan? Oh, and Erin Boortz? There doesn’t appear to be an account from her at all the 11K. (if someone knows where her statement is, please point me to it. 🙂 ). Is this just coincidental bad investigating on Jeffco’s part or what? Things that make you go, hmm..

It might be a bit of a leap connecting Kristen with Dylan by merely last names that strangely sound alike in rhythm – and yet, it makes an uncanny, lucid sort of sense – the kind that makes you shiver a bit. It seems to resonate. The approach to the unending riddle of Dylan’s True Love can easily be just as figurative as this or as literal as counting letters in girl’s names based on grade level and making them fit Dylan’s acrostic. In the end though, question make answers, and answers conceive questions and since Dylan conceives of many True Love possibilities 😉 , the deductions are..infinitely everlasting? Basically, it simply amounts to us getting Jeffco to redact the black marks off the redacted and we all know that isn’t about to happen. :-/ I guess we’ll have to hope for some tidbit that Sue Klebold tosses our way with the release of her book. On second thought though, she is probably in the same boat with the rest of us regarding her son’s beautiful little secrets.

Do you think Dylan had asperger syndrome?

I don’t think Dylan comes close to meeting the criteria for Aspergers Syndrome. The main outward characteristics are: poor social skills, lacking nonverbal communication, and being clumsy (poor motor skills).

People with Aspergers have difficulty cultivating friendships or connecting with peers due to a lack of social skills; some prefer being completely alone while others have surface friendships but never any close, deep friendships. Dylan had quite a few friends – actually, a pretty decent amount for a dude that was viewed by many as intensely shy. He was able to maintain friendships and established close friendships in Zack, Eric, Nate and Robyn. His other good friends reflect on him as a likeable guy.

Aspies have trouble understanding basic social cues such as participating in normal conversation or ‘small talk’ where a variety of conversation topics may occur. They are often walking encyclopedias (think incessantly talking Hermione Granger) and overly knowledgeable on certain subjects to the point where they do not get the social cue to stop, listen, and allow others to share in the discussion. While Dylan was gifted, he didn’t expound on things he knew about like some walking dictionary which usually turns people off. He socialized at the smokers pit, went bowling with friends, went to parties. If you listen to Dylan chatting with Eric in that little bit of the Rampart Range video (unfortunately the only bit we have of the two relating as friends), you see he is listening and receptive to Eric. He isn’t going on about how he knows this, that and the other like an authoritative know-it-all. Dyl gets social cues just fine. If anything he is far more receptive, a listener, than an Aspie tends to be. Usually a listening sort of friend is the best sort to have. This is probably, in part, why he had and maintained friendships.

Aspies also don’t quite get how to empathize and if they don’t get it they try to adapt and just say the appropriate thing they assume they’re supposed to say but they miss the connection with how that other person is feeling. Sort of a bit robotic in nature. According to Devon Adams, Dylan was very concerned about her when she hurt herself playing sports. He called a timeout on the game and made sure she was ok. Also, when Devon’s car got T-boned and he rushed over, ‘freaking out’ asking her “are you ok?!” So, nope. If anything, Dylan had a hyper sensitivity with feelings. He felt far too much since he was a kid – and sadly, as a way to cope, he eventually started shutting down the emotions because it got to be too overwhelming.

Aspies have trouble making eye contact and maintaing eye contact. They can be very literal and have trouble reading between the lines or understanding sarcasm or silly jokes. Look at Dylan in the Morning Ritual video, he’s hamming it up for Nate behind the camera. Dyl makes very strong, actually penetrating, eye contact, as a matter of fact. He’s playing off of Nate and he gets the social cues to be goofy and silly.

Aspies like routines in order to feel a sense of safety about their environment. The have very narrow, focused interests, especially an acute sense of pattern recognition, which often become something they obsessively fixate on and get into the obscure details of things that don’t interest most. Ehh, maybe? With the Fantasy Baseball and the Boston Red Sox players/ statistics in general, Dyl might have been. But, hey, who doesn’t have a passionate interest for something they love..to the point of obsession sometimes? 😉 I think if you look at all of the criteria listed here, most especially the ‘fixated obsessive’ category, you will find Adam Lanza to be the far more worthy Aspergers candidate, especially when it comes to him intricately tracking mass murderers, the sorts of weapons they used, their favorite foods and hobbies, yadda yadda. It’s those sort of specific, minute details that Aspys love to bask in. I don’t think Dylan had much presence of mind for any of that as he was dealing with depression.

I do strongly feel that Dylan had Avoidant Personality Disorder which is an entirely different..ballgame. heh.